(804): don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you

(1-804): couldn't find a condom?

(804): basically

(310): do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?

(330): you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.

(248): it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world

(1-248): i told you not to try chat roulette

(954): I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had

(724): Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.

(217): he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.

(515): I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"

(650): they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.

(818): Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.

(864): U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"

(703): just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.

(320): I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.

(713): jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life

(815): So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.